The way it is, the way it was, and the road from there to here

An independent performing songwriter writes to understand how to work with and embrace change. Take two.

The way it is…

Take Two: Post from June 21, 2023

1. Why this, why now

I am starting this blog to have a space outside the regular places I share that could be offered to other folks who find it interesting or might feel connected to this process I’m in and sharing about. It may also be mainly for me, with content I don’t necessarily share to process where I am now and where I hope to grow.

How do I come out of the magical thinking and trauma activation based on my past and move into reality with care about the way things are here and now.

I know I’m not alone in the ways that Covid shook me into a kind of thicket of emotion. Instead of really feeling that emotion fully, I’ve been afraid of touching it, like it’s a hot stove. I’ve avoided the heat because of the fear of pain.

I don’t think it’s just Covid, but my whole way of life has shifted. For those of you who might not know me, I have been making music for a long time. I once supported my family on touring and CD sales. The music industry as it was, and how it is now, is very different and my place is shifting in it.

If I’m being honest with myself, I’ve been avoiding this shift for a long while. I’ve been able to because of my hard working and loving wife covering much of our expenses and through the generosity of a fan community who helps me financially cover all my business expenses and give a little to our bottom line. Maybe I would be here anyway, being middle aged, with 10 independent records, I am probably in what could be called a “mid-life crisis”. As an artist I feel the need to grow somehow artistically anyway, but in order to do that, I must be more undefended. I have to get near the hot stove and even let it burn me. I think the metaphor works because the stove isn’t really a problem like I think it is. Fear is a hot mess and can burn, but it doesn’t cause lasting damage like an actual hot stove would. I know this intellectually, but in reality I am putting it off until tomorrow…tomorrow…tomorrow.

All that is ever here is today….today….today.

I thought I could “spiritually bypass” this part of my journey, but maybe this is a rite of passage, and we all at some point, undergo some kind of awakening. Maybe this is a part of maturity and a natural process in every human experience. It is a kind of crisis, but maybe only because it’s uncomfortable and painful to move through. I’d like to think it is on the way to more agility, resilience, and freedom. May it be so.

I promise I’ll only share more here if I think this process could be interesting or helpful. Otherwise, this may be all I officially publish on this blog for a while. I’d like to think more wisdom and coherent understanding is coming, but this may also be a bit of magical thinking. I’m not sure. All I know is, starting this blog is helping me right now move into something different. That is something.

Just so ya know - the bold prompts and numbers are directly from Substack. Because this is my first post here, I decided it was a nice way to introduce my thinking about this space… Thank you Substack!

2. What kind of community are you looking to build here

I’m not sure I will build one here. I’ll invite the folks who already know and love my music through Patreon, but I’m not sure how much I’ll publish in this space. I will continue to post and connect through Patreon. This space, for right now, is mostly for me.

3. Be specific

“Readers love clarity”.

Well, me too. I love clarity, and I’ve been “not writing” consistently for a very long time. I’ve been throwing around words like confetti. Sometimes in the air, and sometimes on paper, and sometimes on the cutting room floor. Rarely do the words land in the kind of heart piercing communication or insight I long for. Maybe a little like glitter, the words and the meanings get stuck everywhere and are covering up the tender seriousness of this moment trying to be shiny and fun.

My ADHD has been especially captivated / immersed in what I now see and call a “distraction practice”. I’ve been using my meditation practice as an antidote, kinda like ibuprofen for the inevitable distraction hangovers I experience as I try to wake up. I’ve been acting a little bit like a yo-yo.

The problem is y’all, that a person can’t wake up while at the same time staying asleep to avoid discomfort or pain. It just doesn’t work, and while it seems obvious saying it that way, I think we are all encouraged to live like we can be happy and free without the process of trial and error, or the truth of every one of us being tied to a pendulum swinging between ease and discomfort, happy and sad, skillful and unskillful, and all the in between spaces we move in an out of. The pendulum doesn’t have to be a yo-yo though, I don’t think. I think I’ve been trying to be in control of the swing, but it’s really just caused more unsteadiness.

I don’t think we ever land, not really, and doesn’t that suck

Maybe… Maybe it sucks and maybe it’s a doorway, if I can see it clearly, it just is the way it is, and the drama is in the aversion. I do love the drama though.

Okay, I just realized that drama and dharma are the same letters switched around with a breath thrown in for good measure… (the sound of the letter H) Maybe radically accepting groundlessness means literally taking a breath, and being less attached to things being this way or that. Maybe it can even be a little beautiful and a little entertaining, or tender in a way that has joy in it even when it breaks our hearts. open.

Words don’t quite work.. but maybe you’ll get something from all this. If you’re still reading, thank you for being a part of this journey with me.

What I’m trying to say is, I am tired of being lost and running away from what I’m afraid is the truth. The truth that I need to change what I do for money, because I am responsible and care about my family (and myself) and I’m no longer able or want to try and be “someone” in a sea of spotlights. Really, I believed at a young age that music was literally saving my life. I think it did, but I also think I would have found something else to do that if it wasn’t music. I think my survival instinct is strong, and like most humans, we find solutions to our troubles. Even when the solutions don’t ultimately work, they do for a time. I didn’t get into drugs, alcohol, or reckless behavior. I got into writing songs, and found a bouy in performing them with loving audiences who related to me and those songs. The high from that connection has been a band aid for real intimacy with the parts of me that I haven’t wanted to recognize. The wounded kiddo from different times in my life that I decided I could overcome and shake out of with story and a “just be happy” kind of mindset instead of be with the difficult emotions and memories and really listen to them. I’m so tired of therapy y’all. And yet, I’m really tired of running from myself. Seeing that, for real, is something new.

I’m looking for clarity while hanging on to both my perspective in song, and how I uniquely offer my gifts in this folk-like container. Maybe I include dharma practice more? Maybe I bring my gifts into becoming an actual therapist? Although, my wife is a therapist so that feels a little too close to her domain. I’m not sure, but I’m wondering how can I offer my gifts as a performer and songwriter, while finding other ways to bring home the vegan bacon. Or, the actual bacon. Although, pigs are cool, and I’m still in denial that the two are connected. Coming into reality may mean more vegan bacon. (soft chuckle over here)

Maybe along the way I’ll share this blog and inspire someone to move out of whatever rut/ industry changing / life changing / late stage capitalist muck alongside me. That doesn’t mean (even a little) that I’m giving up music y’all. I hope that sounds clear. Never fear, I am still committed to bringing my songs to the folks that find me.

However, I haven’t been writing new songs (or finishing them) for a little while now because I have been restless and running. I haven’t been doing much social media because I’ve felt so messy and don’t want to be messy in front of you. To embrace with radical acceptance what is happening now means to identify it, to see it clearly, and to get curious about how and if it works for me and my family. To see the mess and be accountable for the things I can change. And then, to…..actually CHANGE.

What I think this means for me is, I am moving towards changing my approach and how I think about growth and potential. Did I just say the same thing several different ways? Maybe in several different paragraphs? Why, yes… yes I did… and that, my friends, is how it goes on the way to clarity. Circles. This is where I will look for clarity in words and in ideas that sometimes travel in a circular pattern.

This blog will be imperfect, and sometimes I’ll even edit it. That is, if I decide to release more of my process that is in process. I probably will… but to write honestly, I need to just write and not make promises I probably won’t keep.

This space is a kind of journal or practice ground for me to work on articulating with an undefended heart, the way it was, maybe some of the why, and the path to loving and tending the way it is now. In this heart, in this mind.

I would like to grow a little insight and wisdom in this word garden.

Also, I want to write in a space I cannot lose like I misplace journals, scraps of paper, and hours of voice memos that might have some sparkle here and there. It is a place to organize the various notes that fit from notepad, word, pages, and scrivener. And to maybe edit and use someday if it makes sense in some capacity.

Plus, I write better when I think someday someone might read it. So, this is a good place to hold these words in process. This is my only agenda y’all, and sharing this with you is a little bit of accountability and a little bit making a post so I can write a bunch to hold in the “unpublished” part of this blog.

Here’s to making truth seeking and kindness the center both for myself and maybe for the benefit of folks reading whatever I end up publishing. Maybe you are also trying to figure out what is here now and what to do next. Maybe it was Covid, the music industry changing, or AI as it unfolds in the workplace. Lots of change is here and coming. Let’s not be alone in it.

May you be happy. May you be free.

I wish that for you and for me too. May it be so, wherever you are. I hope you enjoy this blog post, and this little poem I wrote to me, to you, to us.

much love, peace, and music always,

Ellis

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cry, and then laugh

what do you mean darling?

I want to hear you talking

from your heart

from your deepest well of knowing 

how you see things

the way things really are

whatever you say, I will listen

I’ll put my agendas aside 

not good or bad

right or wrong 

I’ll hold your secrets

as if they are mine

you are made from starlight 

star stuffing, star fluff

just as you are

with all of your suffering 

all of your arrogance

all of your baggage, your stuff

just you being alive is enough

      you are enough

all the light you can’t see 

the shadows behind your eyes

you are shining even then

just because you are alive 

did you forget for a moment like I did

that we are alive? 

      we are ALIVE   

nature is boundless

we are nature

we are boundless too

even when we are caught 

in the dichotomy blues

man, woman, straight, gay

right, wrong, this, that

a grain of sand in an hourglass

a wave in the waving ocean

a leaf on a tree

a wheel set in motion

you

me

we are just a single part 

with a sense of something bigger

change doesn’t have to be hard

resisting change hurts 

resisting change tastes bitter

the only thing that is certain

Is that this too shall pass 

when you (me) are ready to let go

lets let go, dive in 

cry

and then laugh

-ellis delaney 6/20/23

"To live is to fly, low and high, so shake the dust off of your wings, and the tears out of your eyes" - Townes Van Zandt

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4. Use an image and “subscribe” buttons

A picture will look nicer when you share the post on your social media, and it will give color to your archive as you build it.

Okay… if you say so Substack! I’m not sure I’m sharing on social media… this is just for Patrons on Patreon right now! And of course the random you who found me…

Where are my manners? Hello random you! Welcome, and please do check out my music… (ellisdelaney.com)… some things are outdated, but my music is as beautiful, clear, and loving as I could write and record it at that time. If you are still reading this blog, you’re gonna love my songs (probably).

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